I miss Butch every day, but special occasions increase the pain I feel, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
After Fathers Day I do a mental countdown to the 21st...because I know the pain of loss and tears increase until the anniversary of Butch's passing. There are some days I wonder if I will make it, but of course I do, we're all made of sterner stuff than we realise.
Ten days later, I 'celebrate' my birthday, but to be honest I'd rather forget it...the present I really want I can never have. It is then only five days until Butch's birthday. When I get to about the 10th October, there is a sense of relief I have survived this tough month.
Sure there is Christmas, the kids birthdays and our wedding anniversary, but they are scattered, so I don't feel as if I need to brace myself as much to get through them. I get breathing space between those special occasions. From late August I feel like I am holding onto my breath, as if I have to put my 'tough skin' on to help me get through.to mid October. I am a snowball gradually getting bigger and I worry I will explode, or worse still, implode!
I know instead of looking at this tough month with sadness and pain, I should be remembering the good times, the wonderful man that was Butch and the great love we shared, but I'm struggling to do that, even after three years.
I wonder if anyone else feels the same way? Being the only widow I know, I have no one to ask. I have been told I have passed the 'required' two mourning years and it is time to change...but is it? Is it not possible to miss someone forever and not feel you need to make a dramatic change in your life. I've never conformed before in my life, why should now be any different? Nah, I'll still be doing it in my own time, my own way and if my being 'down' doesn't suit anyone else, well too bad!