This week I worked out that we were married less than five months and over 54 months have passed. I'm not happy about the ratio - but hey, what can you do about it?
I still feel lost and alone without my life partner. Although in my more cynical moments I would say 'without my partner, I feel sometimes as if I am just 'serving life'.
Last week would have been our 30th sin-aversary, something I would have made a big fuss of, reminding Butch for at least a month beforehand, before forgetting it on the day. Some patterns are hard to change!
I have finally completed my grief book 'Grieving with Honour' and although writing it has been a healing journey, I'm not sure what happens next.
This past weeks I have felt as if my tear ducts have been primed and ready to overflow at the slightest hint of anything touching my heart strings. Its been over four and a half years, shouldn't I be handling this stuff better by now? My eyes feel puffy and I feel as if I'm walking a tightrope.
Some days I feel gung ho, I feel as if I can conquer anything, that I am stepping up and out to the best of my abilities, and another day I am stuck within 'If this is all there is to life, can I really be bothered?' I am so tired of struggling, of trying to juggle with all my balls in the air and having no one who understands why I feel this way or who I can really confide in. Of course the confiding issue is mine, I don't want anyone to think I'm sad and pathetic or trying to get sympathy. I don't feel I'm any of those, but it won't make any difference how matter of fact I say it, or how many times I say thats not my intention, you just know its gonna sound all wrong.
The other day my granddaughter was looking at a photo of our family before Butch was diagnosed. She said 'That's you Grandma!' I replied yes it was. She turned to me, holding her hands on either side of her cheeks saying 'You had your other face.'
Out of the mouths of babes....Yes, I feel as if that face no longer exists, that person doesn't live here anymore and sometimes I struggle to believe I can ever be that happy again....
Anyway, I'm not sure about the point of this blog, except maybe to say, Happy Anniversary to me!
with love and hugs
PS. If you were wondering about the formula.....at 5/less than 5 months married:more than 54 months widowed = 5 years & not happy.
I have been thinking about this blog and in true 'Cherie' fashion, I decided to revisit it and look at the positives in my life. I have my memories, I have my wonderful family. I have reconnected with my gifts. I am a Granma. There are many people who love and care about me. I can mostly notice that the world is a beautiful place, or that the sun is shining. I have my health. I have managed to keep the payments on our house going, I have a job, I pay my bills (even if it is incrementally) I am making a difference. I have never been without choice - since Butch's passing my path has always been travelled in the direction I chose, even if it hasn't always led to where I wanted it to. There are times when I can look at all those positives and say 'I totally rock!' xx