I have noticed things this week that haven't been important up until now, and in a way they still aren't important - to anyone else, but me. I miss being in love, I miss his smile, the joy of waking up every day with him beside me. Even after 3 1/2 years, I still haven't got used to waking up alone. Well, I've probably got used to it, I just don't enjoy it.
I've discovered this week that I need conversation, not trivial chatter, but real discussion with someone who has a vested interest in my opinion, who cares enough to listen as I ramble on about nothing in particular.
This would, in the eyes of some, be a good thing. They'd be encouraging me to get out and find someone to fill that space in my life. The trouble is, I'm still not ready. I still measure everyone by my 'Butch' yardstick. As someone said the other day, I'm still in love with my husband! I know it's possible to get on with life and still love him, but there is a part of me that remains stuck in this moment..this need to have everything back the way it was.
I still have flashbacks of those last months, although these days I also remember some of the great things we did before he was diagnosed. Yes, I still have regrets, and one is that, in hindsight, perhaps I didn't make the most of what we had. I didn't appreciate our love for what it was. I thought everybody had what we did. Apparently what we had was amazing and not that common. Does this explain why I still feel like my heart is being torn in two when I think about living the rest of my life without him?
When I was out driving on the weekend, I saw couples out in their yards and gardens, doing things together. I was so envious. I miss pottering around and making fun of hard work.
I have come so far since September 2008, but I also know I have a long way to go. I'm proud of what I've managed to achieve and who I've become. I've stopped hiding when I need to grieve. If people don't want to see my cry, then it is they who must leave the room, not me! I'm honouring my grief, my loss, my love, and most of all, I'm honouring me!