I was dreading it, in fact its one of the things I really hate doing. Over the past three years I have had to apply to remove his name off things like the title of our house, our bank accounts and various other important documents. Each time it rocks my world. It feels as if bit by bit I am slowly erasing him and when I am finished it will be as if he never existed, except in my mind. Needless to say, it's one of those chores I delay as long as possible.
So this particular day, I was feeling brave so I went down before I could change my mind. I explained what I needed to the woman behind the counter. She looked it up on the computer and told me, yes, they had only changed his living arrangements not his living status! When she went off to copy all the paperwork I had brought in, I stood there trying to hold back the tears. Its a vicious circle for me...I hate crying in public, so I get angry with myself for crying, which makes me angry, which then makes me cry....
She was most sympathetic and assured me it had been changed and would never happen again...and you just know that made the tears flow even more!
Most of the friends and acquaintances I have now, never met Butch. They never knew how wonderful, funny and loving he was and I'm sure they think I exaggerate when I describe our soulmate relationship. It's so sad I can never say 'Do you remember when Butch....?' If they never met him or knew the magic we shared, they can't see why I am struggling to 'get over' my loss.
I know I'm not alone here, this must happen to many other widows and widowers, I wonder if they feel the same as I do....