Last Friday was one of those days, I was sitting in my lounge listening to uplifting music (in other words loud!) and the words seemed to reach out to me. .(dontcha just hate that?) It was a song about lost love and not being able to go back to change what had happened. In other words it was a pretty common theme, hey?
I realised, as the tears flowed down my face, that I really wasn't accepting at all, once again I was pretending and worse still, I was trying to hide it from myself (other people don't count, they are so easy to fool, they don't know me as well as I do).
I still can't believe I will never see Butch, I will never hear his voice or feel his touch. As much as I accept he is gone and won't be back, there is a little part of me that dies inside whenever I contemplate the truth of that acceptance.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever really feel whole again. Will there be days without tears? I don't want to stop thinking or grieving for Butch, I just want the pain of my grief to go away! I especially want to remember the good times instead of his gradual and inevitable demise. We were together 25 wonderful years, why does my brain only want to focus on his last few years?
I really have no answers, I just have to keep taking my baby steps and hope that one day I will be able to look at a photo fo Butch, love him and miss him, but not feel the knife of grief twisting in the core of my soul....