Financially the last four years have been a bit of a downward spiral. I have kept that to myself for the most part. Heaven forbid that anyone should even suspect I have money troubles. Chin up my girl!
On an emotional level, I miss being a part of any couple, not just any couple, the partnership/love I once shared. There are some days that I miss him so much and the pain is so real that breathing is a struggle. The majority of the people around me never knew Butch, they have only heard my stories about our life together. Of course that's only the friends who don't feel uncomfortable about me mentioning that my husband has passed away...that's as taboo as talking about cancer! And then you don't want to bore friends by telling them over and over the same sort of stories...
So nearly everyone I know, apart from my family have never known me as the happy carefree person I once was. They only know the person I am now - a mere shell of myself. They only know me as a widow...and some of the acquaintances I have don't even know that!
I am a fairly positive and optimistic person, and even when I'm not, I will wear my mask and 'fake it till I make it!' However there are days when I just want to turn to someone and say 'I miss Butch so much today it hurts to breathe.' But who do you say it to? No one really understands if they weren't there to experience the magic that was our relationship. You might think that I'm exaggerating, but it really was that great!
So, most days I suck it up, put on my mask and wish I knew how to make it better. My customers and clients would never suspect that I'm sad or that I cried on the way to work today. I laugh, joke and make them feel special in all sorts of ways. I listen to their problems as well as their happy stories, because thats how I roll!
The other day I hit an all time low. I am so tired of struggling, of swimming upstream, of pushing a huge boulder uphill with a bamboo skewer. I didn't know how to fix where I was or how I felt, so I sent an email to a friend, telling her exactly how I felt, all the crap things that were affecting my life. I left nothing out. I didn't want her to fix it, I think I just needed to 'say' it, to express it, instead of holding it all together within the fragile shell I have wrapped around me and my grief.
I felt better for it. It doesn't change anything, but I don't feel like my stress and fear is consuming me anymore. Afterwards, I felt at peace and decisive. I have chosen the path of what I need to do next and I will see where that leads me. I can only hope there will be a downward slope for a while!
love and hugs
(this pic was taken when we were para-sailing Butch was rocking from side to side to 'see if we could make it fall out of the sky'! Other people on the boat had cutesy romantic shots, but this was our professional shot! I like ours better - what an awesome memory!)