My life has change dramatically since Butch passed away. I can honestly say some of it has been good, but predominantly, its been a hellish roller coaster ride of emotions and good/bad fortune. Most days I can cope and there are some days when it's all just too hard to bear. I get so tired of struggling, of trying to keep my head above the water, as the rest of me sinks like a stone. 
Financially the last four years have been a bit of a downward spiral. I have kept that to myself for the most part. Heaven forbid that anyone should even suspect I have money troubles. Chin up my girl! 
On an emotional level, I miss being a part of any couple, not just any couple, the partnership/love I once shared. There are some days that I miss him so much and the pain is so real that breathing is a struggle. The majority of the people around me never knew Butch, they have only heard my stories about our life together. Of course that's only the friends who don't feel uncomfortable about me mentioning that my husband has passed away...that's as taboo as talking about cancer! And then you don't want to bore friends by telling them over and over the same sort of stories...
 So nearly everyone I know, apart from my family have never known me as the happy carefree person I once was. They only know the person I am now - a mere shell of myself. They only know me as a widow...and some of the acquaintances I have don't even know that!
I am a fairly positive and optimistic person, and even when I'm not, I will wear my mask and 'fake it till I make it!' However there are days when I just want to turn to someone and say 'I miss Butch so much today it hurts to breathe.' But who do you say it to? No one really understands if they weren't there to experience the magic that was our relationship. You might think that I'm exaggerating, but it really was that great! 
So, most days I suck it up, put on my mask and wish I knew how to make it better. My customers and clients would never suspect that I'm sad or that I cried on the way to work today. I laugh, joke and make them feel special in all sorts of ways. I listen to their problems as well as their happy stories, because thats how I roll!
The other day I hit an all time low. I am so tired of struggling, of swimming upstream, of pushing a huge boulder uphill with a bamboo skewer. I didn't know how to fix where I was or how I felt, so I sent an email to a friend, telling her exactly how I felt, all the crap things that were affecting my life. I left nothing out. I didn't want her to fix it, I think I just needed to 'say' it, to express it, instead of holding it all together within the fragile shell I have wrapped around me and my grief.
I felt better for it. It doesn't change anything, but I don't feel like my stress and fear is consuming me anymore. Afterwards, I felt at peace and decisive. I have chosen the path of what I need to do next and I will see where that leads me. I can only hope there will be a downward slope for a while!
love and hugs
Cherie xx
(this pic was taken when we were para-sailing  Butch was rocking from side to side to 'see if we could make it fall out of the sky'! Other people on the boat had cutesy romantic shots, but this was our professional shot! I like ours better - what an awesome memory!)

I 'woke up' the other day...I mean really woke up. It has only taken four years, six days and a couple of hours to get there, but here I am...awake!
I finished my book 'Grieving With Honour' several months ago, but no matter how much I talked myself into proofreading it or following up on what needed to be done, it lay untouched on the shelf gathering dust. I alternated between being upset and frustrated with myself and just plain angry. Nothing I could do or say would make me move over, pick it up and start looking it over. 
I now realise there was a chapter missing from it - the last chapter that will bring me to a better sense of closure..
It all started with a comment my daughter made the other day. I was telling her how lost and sad I felt, even though I was surrounded by those who loved me. I admitted that I was crying a lot, big sad sobs that sometimes threatened to engulf me. I spoke about huge tears that rolled down my face unbidden and how I thought I'd be feeling different about my grief by now. 
After telling me how far I'd come in the past four years, she turned to me and said 'It makes me feel helpless and sad, knowing I can't 'fix' you Mum.'
A couple of days later, as that thought was processed in the 'think mill' I have working around the clock, I came to the realisation that she was right. She couldn't 'fix' me. No one could...only I have the power to do that.
It was as if someone turned on the light and shook me awake. I woke up feeling different that day, as if I'd discovered the secret to my life, and I guess in a way I have.
I accepted a long time ago that Butch was never going to be here physically again. (I may not like it, but I can accept it) I accepted that my life will never be the same. I even accepted there is a definite chance I will never get over losing him, or being as free and joyful as I once was.....bu I never accepted 'My Grief'. Instead I tucked it away for moments when I was alone, for times when I could mourn in private, because that is how I deal with my sadness and pain.
I never accepted that it was truly okay for me to feel this way. I know I said I did, but there was a part of me that resisted for the past four years, two months and six days. I accepted it 'on behalf of others', as in I was going to do it my way and their opinion didn't matter. I accepted it in a physical, emotional and spiritual sense, but this tiny pocket of me, tucked behind everything else, in the far corner, at the very back hadn't agreed or accepted at all. 
I can't explain the difference it made, this 'wake up call' I received, except that I am now stepping up and assuming my mantle of responsibility. I have been avoiding being a 'part' of my life in lots of little sneaky ways, that no one can visibly identify. I didn't want this new, unimproved and extremely sad life I was stuck with and I just coasted through my day to day life, just going through the motions. 
My soul wept for the valuable time I was wasting. It cried that I wasn't honoring me and making the most of the time I have left here on this earthly plane. It sobbed when it knew I wasn't going to try and 'fix' this part of me and become whole again.....and that was when I had to sit up and take notice. I couldn't explain away the tears, I had to acknowledge what was behind them...
So now, its time for me to pick up the pieces, leave the prickly uncomfortable place that has been my comfort zone for the last four and a bit years and step out into the life I deserve. I'm not saying it will be easy, I just know I owe it to myself to not just be the best me I can be, but also to live the best life I can.
As much as my grief said I shouldn't be here without the love of my life, it isn't my truth and I have many things to accomplish before I join Butch on the etheric. I want him to be pleased and proud of me when we meet again.
..and you know what...? If there's even a chance I have to repeat my lesson of 'abandonment and grief' in the next life, I'd sooner have it done and dusted this time around, thanks.
love and hugs
Cherie xx