Learning 2 Live Again - in spite of grief
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It's Not The Same, But It Is...

9/24/2014

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You may not know this, but I am a healer, an intuitive advisor and a psychic. Phew, that's quite a mouthful! I have been through enough 'stuff' in my life to know I want to help others as they go through 'their stuff'!
The other day I met a woman a bit older than me. What began as a question about how to start up a leaf blower, soon turned into a full blossomed conversation about how worried she was about her daughter, who had been staying with her for quite some time.
Mary (mother) was worried that Jeanne (daughter) was perpetually sad and seemed to lack energy. With a little gentle probing, she told me that Jeanne's partner had died last year of cancer. Mary couldn't understand why Jeanne wasn't simply 'getting over it'. (I must admit that this is one of my pet peeves when it comes to grief, that we are expected to get over it, like its a stubbed toe or a broken glass) Mary said she had 'gotten over' her divorce when her husband left her for a younger and prettier model. Given that she laboured over that topic for at least five minutes, with lots of huffing and puffing, as well as arm movements, methinks she hasn't really... ;-)
I told her there was no comparison. Besides the fact that grief of any kind is a unique and individual experience, Mary could still 'see' her ex husband. She could have a sense of closure. She could finalise any issues they might have had in their marriage, because he was still alive.
Mary changed tack then and told me that Jeanne and her partner had only been together two years and therefore it should be easy for her to 'get on with her life'. I asked her if she knew the depth of their love and commitment; if she knew how perfect their relationship might have been; if she had any idea of the plans and dreams they had had together. I also tod her that time is irrelevant. We don't need to know someone a lifetime to miss them or grieve for them. We can meet someone for the first time and the impact they made in our life can still mean we grieve. We cannot compare grief journeys, because we are all different. We all view the world differently and we all see it from our own perspective.
As we chatted, Mary was almost dismissive of her daughter's grief, and I couldn't help but mention that her daughter had lost a piece of herself when her partner died. A piece she will never get back or be a part of ever again. Jeanne will have to rediscover who she is and that will take time.
I suggested Jeanne come and talk to me, not as a counsellor or a healer, but as someone who understands, who has been to hell and is still on their way back. Mary looked at me, and in a brief second, I saw fear in her eyes. It was then I knew that not only would Jeanne never visit me, but she wouldn't even get the message. Mary needed Jeanne to be just as she was, because Mary was lonely and felt that she had no real purpose in life. Looking after Jeanne gave her that reason or purpose, and if she got better or began to 'live again', Jeanne might leave Mary with her own ghosts of the past.
Its sad when you see a pattern like this, when dependence or grief is trivialised, and yet, also encouraged to suit the needs of the other person. Mary probably isn't even aware she is doing this, just as Jeanne possibly doesn't realise she is letting it happen. Grief affects us all in many ways. We may think we have it under control or a handle on it, but it has many faces we don't often recognise.
Big hugs
Cherie ♥



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...Timely Reminders

2/7/2014

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I don't know whether to start this with a statement like 'It's been five and a half years since Butch passed', or 'I'm a housesitter', as both are relevant to my blog today.
I am currently housesitting in the home of some friends, friends that Butch and I visited a lot when he was alive. We also lived next door.
I hadn't realised how that would impact on me until I was on my way to their home. I began crying and felt such pain as I contemplated being in a home where we had had so many great times, while overlooking the home where we were at our happiest...well before Butch was diagnosed.
From there on, there has been many poignant memories and bouts of tears, as I sit out in the courtyard, at the dining table, hearing conversations and laughter of days long gone.
I've been looking across the fence, remembering the good times, like the time I begged for a Christmas tree and Butch brought a seven foot tree, roots and all. (He was clearing a subdivision with a digger at the time)
This morning I decided to go for a walk, and other memories began crowding in, not just of when we lived here, but also those last two years after he was diagnosed. I relived moments upon moments and cried as I walked back. (I suppose people look at me and think 'Wow! She must really hate walking!')
I couldn't help thinking that every time I think I'm moving on, there always seems to be a bitch slap that makes me realise I still have a way to go. Silly me for thinking there was a use by date or a time limit. Time. It will take time. And lots of it.
Missing my true love tonight and all the good times we shared.
big hugs
Cherie xx

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It's a Shame When It's a Sham

11/28/2013

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There are predators out there in the big bad world, who like to prey on those of us who are on a grief expedition. They know how desperate we are to 'connect' with our loved ones who have passed over. They know we would do anything to bring them back, so being able to hear what they have to say, even if it's through someone else, is priceless and immeasurable.
I know, because I have been there. I have been told by various psychics on many occasions what Butch has to say to me. Its funny how, for the most part, what he has to say coincides with the agenda of the person telling me. This can range from allowing them to usurp my power or feeling as if I had no choices, to wanting to extort money from me, all in the name of connecting me with my loved ones on the other side.
When I finally realised what was happening, I felt like such a fool. Hindsight can be such a bitch. As I look back, I can see that I fell for every hook they threw my way. I wanted to believe so much that I made things fit where they had absolutely no way of fitting. I thought I was the only one who had been hoodwinked. I was wrong.
I guess I felt it a little more keenly because I am a psychic. Unfortunately I can't 'do' a reading for me. I can't 'see' my spirit family in the same way I can see other people's, because I know too much about me and about them. There is no validation, because my skeptic says to me 'Hah! But you already knew thats what they looked like or what they would have said. They were a part of your life for so long!
However, when I read for someone else, its different. It's cut and dried. It fits or it doesn't. I have no idea who the person is or what the connection is. I love it when the reading resonates. I may not sugar coat it, but every word I pass on is given with love, respect and integrity.
Lately I have heard of others who have been through the same kind of experience I did in my early days. They too have been desperate enough to 'hear' what their loved ones have to say, that they have paid ludicrous amounts of money. They have been given negative, false and evil advice from their family in spirit. They have been told that unless they do, their loved one will cease to 'talk' to them. WTF?!
If we allow these people to get away with this sort of shit, we are no better than they are. I wonder if I had written a 'tell all' blog about my experience whether I could have saved other people from heartache. Maybe. Maybe not....
Our loved ones will never say bad stuff. They will not tell you negative and mean things. They don't need to. All that negative shit is a part of a human existence, not a spiritual one. All regrets, guilt, pain, suffering, anger, revenge, etc is gone. It dies with the physical form. From where they are its just love and they want us to know we are loved, that they will be there waiting for us when its time for us to 'go home'.
Before you spend copious amounts of money, ask yourself: 'Would my loved one want or expect me to pay this much to hear from them?' And if you think the answer is yes, ask yourself why it is that you believe that more money means that the psychic is more powerful or better able to connect. There are plenty of wonderful and amazing psychics out there, and they don't all need to empty your bank account to pass on messages of love and support from our loved ones.
And if you are told something bad, negative or evil, ask yourself: 'Would my loved one really say that?' ...and know the answer is 'NO!'
Take note of my experience and others. Trust your instincts. Watch out for Grief Vultures. ...and if you do fall for a smooth talking psychic, don't feel bad or sad. You won't be the first. You won't be the last...but hey, that could be the 'last' time you fell for it! Grief is a huge learning curve in so many many ways.
Be strong. Trust you. Show discernment. Remember that your loved ones are not interested in making or keeping you poor, sad, scared or unhappy in any way. They love you. More than you will ever know!
Big Hugs
Cherie xx

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Don't Let Others 'Taint Your Story'

11/4/2013

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I went for a job interview as a masseuse the other day. I am trying to wear my 'big girl pants' these days, so when she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself, I said. 'I'm 53, an author, a widow, and I've love massage and what it does for others....'
She cocked her head to one side and said to me, 'Sorry, could you repeat that?'
Now, although I am 'admitting' I am a widow, this part of my speech is said with such speed, you need supersonic hearing to be able to 'catch the words'.
I repeated everything, except the widow bit, and she said 'No, you said something else, what was it?'
I 'fessed up and told her the bit I had omitted. She gave me that 'look' that people do and said she was sorry. I tend to get flippant when people say things like that. I am a complex creature, I admit it! I don't want others to be sorry or feel sorry for me. My life is what it is. The judges decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into. ...and then I wonder sometimes if I would just consider others to be hard hearted bastards for not saying anything... It hasn't happened yet, so maybe that will be the subject of another blog...
Anyway, back to my 'interview'. The woman asked me a question. 'So what did you learn from his living, and his dying?'
May I say that these are so not the questions one expects in a job interview, and as a person still going through a grief expedition, not at all something I wanted to contemplate with a complete stranger.
Before long, she had me in tears. She knew which buttons to push, what direction to twist the knife that is my grief and how to make me feel as if I wasn't coping with my world at all. When I tried to stop the flow of tears, she told me I needed to 'sob'.
...as if I haven't...on countless occasions!
We were sitting in a coffee shop and there was no way I wanted to let this woman see how her harsh words were affecting me. I gathered my thoughts, pulled myself up tall, erected my protective wall and tried to get myself together again.
Recognising that she had crossed a line and that she wasn't going to get past that wall I had just put up between us, she said 'Well, thats enough counselling for you today. Now, lets talk about why you want to get a job here.'
There was really no point in going any further. There is no way I would work for someone who would want to find my Achilles heel, who would know just how to create pain within my world because she could.
She tried to create a connection by telling me that her son had passed away 8 years ago, but clearly the way I was going through or handling my grief was incorrect and she hadn't experienced it in the way I had. Read: I was wrong.
As I was leaving, she turned to me and said 'Well, no matter what happens, we were meant to meet today. I was meant to talk to you and you were meant to learn from me.'
And you know what, she was right. I was meant to learn from her, and I learnt this.
*A part of 'putting on my big girl panties' during my grief expedition does not entail telling anyone I am a widow, unless its relative.
*There will always be people who will try to tell me that my way of handling my grief is wrong or not right.
*I don't want to work for anyone who's main objective is to make me feel 'less than', so they can feel all powerful.
*Everyone has a story, but their story ain't my story and mine has no bearing on theirs.
*I still find it difficult to talk openly about my grief with others
*I am doing a great job being who I am and experiencing my grief in my own unique way.
Everyone has a story
Big hugs
Cherie xx

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@5/<5:>54 = 5y & :-(

5/3/2013

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Today (3 May) is my anniversary. It would have been our 5th anniversary, if Butch was still alive, but today, there is only me to remember our special day. Most people don't know that today has such a special meaning. I don't make a point of saying anything, after all, whats the point. It's not like they can wish me all the best or say how wonderful it is that we're still happily ever after. So I sit here, knowing that I am almost the only person who remembers.
This week I worked out that we were married less than five months and over 54 months have passed. I'm not happy about the ratio - but hey, what can you do about it?
I still feel lost and alone without my life partner. Although in my more cynical moments I would say 'without my partner, I feel sometimes as if I am just 'serving life'.
Last week would have been our 30th sin-aversary, something I would have made a big fuss of, reminding Butch for at least a month beforehand, before forgetting it on the day. Some patterns are hard to change!
I have finally completed my grief book 'Grieving with Honour' and although writing it has been a healing journey, I'm not sure what happens next.
This past weeks I have felt as if my tear ducts have been primed and ready to overflow at the slightest hint of anything touching my heart strings. Its been over four and a half years, shouldn't I be handling this stuff better by now? My eyes feel puffy and I feel as if I'm walking a tightrope.
Some days I feel gung ho, I feel as if I can conquer anything, that I am stepping up and out to the best of my abilities, and another day I am stuck within 'If this is all there is to life, can I really be bothered?' I am so tired of struggling, of trying to juggle with all my balls in the air and having no one who understands why I feel this way or who I can really confide in. Of course the confiding issue is mine, I don't want anyone to think I'm sad and pathetic or trying to get sympathy. I don't feel I'm any of those, but it won't make any difference how matter of fact I say it, or how many times I say thats not my intention, you just know its gonna sound all wrong.
The other day my granddaughter was looking at a photo of our family before Butch was diagnosed. She said 'That's you Grandma!' I replied yes it was. She turned to me, holding her hands on either side of her cheeks saying 'You had your other face.'
Out of the mouths of babes....Yes, I feel as if that face no longer exists, that person doesn't live here anymore and sometimes I struggle to believe I can ever be that happy again....
Anyway, I'm not sure about the point of this blog, except maybe to say, Happy Anniversary to me!
with love and hugs
Cherie xx
PS. If you were wondering about the formula.....at 5/less than 5 months married:more than 54 months widowed = 5 years & not happy.

I have been thinking about this blog and in true 'Cherie' fashion, I decided to revisit it and look at the positives in my life. I have my memories, I have my wonderful family. I have reconnected with my gifts. I am a Granma. There are many people who love and care about me. I can mostly notice that the world is a beautiful place, or that the sun is shining. I have my health. I have managed to keep the payments on our house going, I have a job, I pay my bills (even if it is incrementally) I am making a difference. I have never been without choice - since Butch's passing my path has always been travelled in the direction I chose, even if it hasn't always led to where I wanted it to. There are times when I can look at all those positives and say 'I totally rock!' xx

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I'm inclined to travel downhill for a while...

1/20/2013

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My life has change dramatically since Butch passed away. I can honestly say some of it has been good, but predominantly, its been a hellish roller coaster ride of emotions and good/bad fortune. Most days I can cope and there are some days when it's all just too hard to bear. I get so tired of struggling, of trying to keep my head above the water, as the rest of me sinks like a stone. 
Financially the last four years have been a bit of a downward spiral. I have kept that to myself for the most part. Heaven forbid that anyone should even suspect I have money troubles. Chin up my girl! 
On an emotional level, I miss being a part of any couple, not just any couple, the partnership/love I once shared. There are some days that I miss him so much and the pain is so real that breathing is a struggle. The majority of the people around me never knew Butch, they have only heard my stories about our life together. Of course that's only the friends who don't feel uncomfortable about me mentioning that my husband has passed away...that's as taboo as talking about cancer! And then you don't want to bore friends by telling them over and over the same sort of stories...
 So nearly everyone I know, apart from my family have never known me as the happy carefree person I once was. They only know the person I am now - a mere shell of myself. They only know me as a widow...and some of the acquaintances I have don't even know that!
I am a fairly positive and optimistic person, and even when I'm not, I will wear my mask and 'fake it till I make it!' However there are days when I just want to turn to someone and say 'I miss Butch so much today it hurts to breathe.' But who do you say it to? No one really understands if they weren't there to experience the magic that was our relationship. You might think that I'm exaggerating, but it really was that great! 
So, most days I suck it up, put on my mask and wish I knew how to make it better. My customers and clients would never suspect that I'm sad or that I cried on the way to work today. I laugh, joke and make them feel special in all sorts of ways. I listen to their problems as well as their happy stories, because thats how I roll!
The other day I hit an all time low. I am so tired of struggling, of swimming upstream, of pushing a huge boulder uphill with a bamboo skewer. I didn't know how to fix where I was or how I felt, so I sent an email to a friend, telling her exactly how I felt, all the crap things that were affecting my life. I left nothing out. I didn't want her to fix it, I think I just needed to 'say' it, to express it, instead of holding it all together within the fragile shell I have wrapped around me and my grief.
I felt better for it. It doesn't change anything, but I don't feel like my stress and fear is consuming me anymore. Afterwards, I felt at peace and decisive. I have chosen the path of what I need to do next and I will see where that leads me. I can only hope there will be a downward slope for a while!
love and hugs
Cherie xx
(this pic was taken when we were para-sailing  Butch was rocking from side to side to 'see if we could make it fall out of the sky'! Other people on the boat had cutesy romantic shots, but this was our professional shot! I like ours better - what an awesome memory!)


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Grief isn't logical

12/2/2012

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I provide a mobile Reiki service and had a client last Saturday afternoon. All morning I was either close to tears or was weeping. I couldn't explain why I felt so desolate or despairing. With Christmas approaching, I had been feeling sad, but this felt different.
It wasn't until I was on my way to my client's place I realised I might be picking up on her energy. Once I had acknowledged this, the dark cloud of grief lifted a little.
During the session, my client mentioned her best friend of over 50 years had recently passed away and she was struggling with accepting she was gone.
I said it was early days and she was expecting an awful lot of herself to be ready to accept her friends passing so soon.
She told me that in the weeks leading up to her friend's passing, she had visited her all the time. She had visited her in hospital during her last hours and even been to see her friend at the funeral directors the day before the funeral and couldn't understand why she still felt so devastated and lost without her.
'So, you tried to cheat yourself out of feeling grief or loss, but approaching your friend's death in a logical way?' I asked.
My client looked at me, surprised at the way I had defined what she had done and realised that was exactly what she had attempted to do.
I told her grief doesn't follow logic, it can't be reasoned with. It is an emotional state of being and we have to work through whatever feelings and pain we have as a result.
In a society where grief is a taboo subject, where we are expected to show we are coping well rather than showing how we truly feel, some of us try to escape the torture and suffering grief entails. Unfortunately there is no escape clause or get out of jail free card. There is only grief, acknowledging our loss and then acceptance. 
This all takes time, and for each of us its different. Acknowledging our loss and the pain of losing someone is honoring the relationship we had with this person and honoring the person left behind. 
Don't try to avoid or evade your grief. Wallow in it. Allow yourself to 'be' in it for as long as it takes.
love and respect
Cherie xx 
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Ambiguous Times..

4/27/2012

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If Butch was still alive, we would be celebrating 29 years together in two days time. I've been really melancholy this week. The slightest thing moves me to tears, but now I'm allowing them to flow. I've got rid of the 'bitch in my head' who tells me I should stop being a drama queen and to harden up. I have my experience on the cruise to thank for that, and I do!
I have noticed things this week that haven't been important up until now, and in a way they still aren't important - to anyone else, but me. I miss being in love, I miss his smile, the joy of waking up every day with him beside me. Even after 3 1/2 years, I still haven't got used to waking up alone. Well, I've probably got used to it, I just don't enjoy it.
I've discovered this week that I need conversation, not trivial chatter, but real discussion with someone who has a vested interest in my opinion, who cares enough to listen as I ramble on about nothing in particular.
This would, in the eyes of some, be a good thing. They'd be encouraging me to get out and find someone to fill that space in my life. The trouble is, I'm still not ready. I still measure everyone by my 'Butch' yardstick. As someone said the other day, I'm still in love with my husband! I know it's possible to get on with life and still love him, but there is a part of me that remains stuck in this moment..this need to have everything back the way it was.
I still have flashbacks of those last months, although these days I also remember some of the great things we did before he was diagnosed. Yes, I still have regrets, and one is that, in hindsight, perhaps I didn't make the most of what we had. I didn't appreciate our love for what it was. I thought everybody had what we did. Apparently what we had was amazing and not that common. Does this explain why I still feel like my heart is being torn in two when I think about living the rest of my life without him?
When I was out driving on the weekend, I saw couples out in their yards and gardens, doing things together. I was so envious. I miss pottering around and making fun of hard work.
I have come so far since September 2008, but I also know I have a long way to go. I'm proud of what I've managed to achieve and who I've become. I've stopped hiding when I need to grieve. If people don't want to see my cry, then it is they who must leave the room, not me! I'm honouring my grief, my loss, my love, and most of all, I'm honouring me!
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I'm Not Desperate..

1/28/2012

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For three years I've been reluctant to say I'm a widow. When I mention that word, I either get the look that says 'Keep your hands off my husband/partner' or even worse, someone tries to 'fix me up' with a friend of a friend. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but we live in a society where you aren't deemed whole unless you're part of a couple.
From the day of Butch's funeral, I met women who were sure I was chasing their husbands, and husbands who felt I needed extra comfort. What a crock of shit! The last thing I wanted to do was be with anyone else. I was only interested in my loss.  The fact that I'd lost my life partner recently didn't mean I was immediately in the market for another.
Losing someone is a bit like going through a divorce, suddenly you become a threat to other's relationships, even when you aren't interested. There were some who shunned me just in case I was on the prowl. I found this difficult to understand or cope with. I'd already lost Butch and then I lost my friendship support base....all because I was single. How does that work?
So when I met people, I talked about Butch as if he was alive, only rarely confiding the truth, when I felt it wouldn't affect their view of me, or our friendship.
What I shared with Butch can't easily be replaced and I'm simply not interested anyway. But it's been easier to keep quiet.
If you meet a psychic and they know you're a widow, you can expect to hear there is a tall dark man on the horizon.. As I'm a 'woman with attitude', I tend to tell them in no uncertain terms what I think about that.
I wear my wedding rings as protection, against guys who think I must be desperate enough to do anyone after a three year drought...or women who either want to protect their marriages or want to find me a soulmate, so I can be truly happy., because clearly I'm not in their eyes.
I'm quite happy as I am thanks. Sure I get lonely and I miss the beautiful magic of my marriage, but I miss them with Butch and I'm not prepared to settle for anything else.
Recently I went on a cruise and over the two weeks I began to admit I was a widow. Admit. Isn't that a funny way for me to put it? It's almost as if I failed somewhere along the way. If I was divorced, then both of us might have 'failed' to keep the relationship alive. But, as a sole survivor, I felt like a failure and I have yet to comprehend how or why that is. I would say it with an apologetic smile, as if it was all my fault and I should have tried harder .I admit there are times when I tell someone and they are genuinely upset for me, which would cause my eyes to well with unshed tears. I hate to cry in public, so I can't blame my 'widow word avoidance' solely on those I described earlier.
Its weird, when I went through a divorce from my first marriage, I was happy to shout it from the rooftops. I felt no shame, only empowerment. Society doesn't like to discuss grief, they don't know the right words to say, so it was easier to keep my status quiet, like a dirty secret.
I had an amazing experience while I was on the ship. I met two couples who took me under their wing. They invited me out with them, not as a gesture of sympathy, but because they didn't care I was on my own. It was truly liberating and I had such a great time being me, whether it was happy or sad, wacky or mad. They didn't make me feel like I was imposing and we had lots of fun, I will be forever grateful to them for proving to me it is possible to share space with other couples and not feel like an outsider.
About a week ago, I finally changed my status on Facebook to 'widowed'. What was I thinking? I was thinking that it was time I accepted who I am and stepped into my life, became one with it and lived my truth.
If you didn't notice, it's not a biggie. However, if you did and you decided to avoid me or throught of someone who I might be compatible with, then think again. I'm a widow....I'm not desperate and I don't want your husband or partner. I just want to be me and from now on that's exactly who I'm gonna be!
Cherie - Widow With Attitude!
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    Cherie's Blog

    Grief affects all of us at some stage, no one can escape from it, but by sharing we can help each other through it.

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