I miss being part of a couple. I miss it in so many ways each and every day - whether it's waking up alone, having no one that knows me quite like Butch did or just feeling lost without him to talk to.  Since Butch passed I can be lonely in a crowded room.  Nothing brings this home more than going out shopping in the local mall, watching all those other lucky couples. I try not to feel anger and resentment as I see up close and personal what I am missing out on. How come they get to stay together? What did I do to deserve this terrible feeling of isolation?
I miss holding hands as we walked, brushing against each other, sharing secret jokes or being teased for wanting to buy some silly item just 'cos it was on special. Hell, I even miss arguing at the supermarket over the cost of groceries!
Here I sit at a table eating lunch, watching all those other happy couples, thinking how much I miss Butch, nodding and smiling at the person across from me.  How can no one see I am dying inside as I look around, acting as if nothing is wrong? Can't anyone see that my heart is coming apart at the seams?
How do I cope with this? Do I spend the rest of my life hiding away from everyone so I don't have to be so miserable about other people's happiness?  I tried that for a while, it didn't work.  It made me feel even more isolated and alone.  I try to ignore them as I wander around the mall, but my eyes are drawn like magnets, as if they enjoy twisting the knife in my heart.
I don't have any answers, so I just put on my 'happy mask' so the person with me can't see the pain in my eyes, and I pray I can go back to my haven, my home soon...

Grief isn't limited to losing someone, it can be preparing to lose someone, a realtionship break up, loss of a job or family pet.  There are so many kinds of grief.  Some of it is fleeting and we barely acknowledge it, but others rip our world apart.  If we have invested much of ourselves in someone or something which we then lose, we feel as if we have lost a huge part of our identity. If your whole life revolved around your job and you lost it, it requires superhuman effort to rebuild you again, to identify who you are without it.
For me, having been a part of Butch's life (and vice versa) for 25 years, after he passed I felt as if I lost the main piece of me.  In fact I felt like a jigsaw puzzle with all the easy bits missing and the ones I held in my hand seemed to be the wrong size or for a different puzzle altogether. I didn't know who I was, the person I was while Butch was alive ceased to exist on 21 September 2008. I felt lost and broken and unable to find any direction.  The trauma of loss is a difficult enough an experience to cope with, without losing myself as well.
For a while I was content to allow others to tell me how they portrayed me, to fit in the role they had chosen I should play in my new script.  It was never going to be permanent, after all, I had never completely shown anyone, apart from Butch, who I truly was, so this person they created just didn't resonate with me at all.  As I gradually began to emerge and show a little of the spark that is Cherie, some found it difficult to cope with.  They didn't like this new me, the person who knew what she wanted and didn't want to be anyone ele's imaginary creature (well, some of the time - I'm still working on that!), but fortunately for me there were others who suppported me and were able to change their perception of me as I transformed. 
My advice is to be nice to yourself, expect to feel lost, afraid and broken, but also expect you will eventually and gradually pick up the pieces of you and create a jigsaw where all the pieces sorta fit.  It takes time (don't you just hate that platitude!) It won't necessarily be better than the jigsaw with the pieces you lost, it will be just 'different'. Remember, just because the jigsaw has changed and the pieces fit, it doesn't mean the former jigsaw doesn't matter anymore. This new jigsaw doesn't replace who/what you had or who/what you are, it is merely an extension of the you you are becoming because of those other jigsaws you were once a part of. All other jigsaws you had before any form of loss all help to create the person you are now.

About two weeks ago I developed some mysterious symptoms that didn't seem to relate to anything in particular.  My emotions were all over the place as I experienced bouts of dread, fear, helplessness, insomnia and intense sadness.  These are sometimes a part of my every day life, but they were so exaggerated and uncontrollable I couldn't keep myself on an even keel.
I tried changing my diet, getting more exercise (well, as much as I could considering I felt perpetually exhausted) and even tried to write about how I felt, in an attempt to discover what was at the root of it all.  I couldn't understand why I felt so depressed - it was as if the world was closing in on me.
I had a day to myself yesterday and decided to pamper me, planning a luxurious bubble bath and an afternoon lying around reading my favourite book.  However, the black cloud hanging over me began to overwhelm me and I found it difficult to motivate myself.  The idea of running a bath seemed to fall into the 'too hard' category.
Instead I rang Kaye, my cousin as a delaying tactic.  We chatted for a while and during the course of the conversation I mentioned how I had been feeling these past weeks.  She asked if I thought there was anything relative that may have happened and I said I didn't think so.  Since Butch's passing, my body has remembered various anniversaries, like the day Butch told me he didn't want to live any more, which resulted in a severe acid reaction throughout my body on the first anniversary of that date.
After we'd finished, I forced myself to run a bath, and to tell you the truth, my heart really wasn't in it.  Within ten minutes I had to jump out of the bath to purge everything I had eaten that day. I felt extremely weak and a little shaken, so I got into bed, snuggling under the covers .  Before I dozed off, I sent Kaye a text 'Well, that didn't go so well, got in the bath & 10 mins later was puking my heart out...wonder what that means?  Do you think I'm allergic to large bodies of water? LOL'  She suggested I may have an aversion to nurturing myself...ouch! when people shoot you with truths, they hurt!
Later I talked to my daughter about how I was feeling, adding that perhaps I needed a bitch slap or for someone to shake me out of whatever it was that made me feel 'stuck'.
She told me I was far from stuck, I was doing a course, writing, creating websites, blogging, etc, etc and I should be proud of how I was moving forward.
As I dragged myself to bed that night, I mused over what Kaye had said. I got out my old diary and checked against the dates I had started feeling out of sorts.  Surprisingly...or not.... it coincided with the date Butch's oncologist had given him his death sentence.  Out of curiosity, I decided to check the current date.  I had an a-ha! moment as I read about Butch having a 'turn' at home.  I remembered how terrified and sick to my stomach I had felt, so helpless and worried.  I wrote how I was too scared to go to sleep in case he passed away  I closed my eyes.
Hmmm, my body and soul still remembers.....
I never appreciated the depth and complexity of grief and on how many levels you can grieve.  It's not just my emotions, soul and thoughts that need to heal, but also my body at a cellular memory level.
By the way, being aware of what the last two weeks were all about didn't result in an instant cure, but I was a little kinder to me today....
Love & support
Cherie

I was out shopping today and if I were to be honest, this has been a tough week for me, so a little retail therapy sounded like the cure....
I don't know what everyone else's beliefs are, but I believe when our loved ones pass they don't really leave us.  I admit this thought doesn't alleviate my pain, help me sleep better or stop me sobbing into my pillow late at night. (If you just tuned in and think that I sound pathetic, you're probably right, if that is your perception.  Me, I think I am just a sensitive, complex and lost individual without a physical version of Butch around me!  No point in hanging around waiting, there won't be any excuses forthcoming from my keyboard.  I am what I am)
Now where was I? Oh yeah, There I was in my favourite shop (that's any shop that has 'book' in the name), looking at the New Age books and cards, when I realised I had been singing along to the mood music they were playing.  As I listened to the words I had to smile at the synchronicity of the words and I just knew there was a message in it for me.....
Here are the words, and if you want to share a smile you may want to look at the original version on youtube! (at the bottom of this blog)
I guess there are a lot of words I felt were really relative to my week. Butch was the mirror of my soul. I don't want to forget, I want to try and go on living right now and leave the black hole that is my grief behind.  This doesn't mean I want to stop grieving for him or forget him, I just want to remember the love, laughter, tears, fun and joy istead of the loss, pain, sadness, despair and fear.  Can you relate to that?

Don't Forget to Remember 
Oh my heart won’t believe that you have left me I keep telling my self that it’s true
I can get over anything you want my love But I can’t get myself over you

Don’t forget to remember me and the love that used to be I still remember you - I love you
In  my heart lies a memory to tell the stars above. Don’t forget to remember me my love

On my wall lies a photograph of you girl (guy) though I try to forget you somehow
You’re the mirror of my soul so take me out of my hole. Let me try to go on living right now

Don’t forget to remember me and the love that used to be. I still remember you - I love you
In my heart lies a memory to tell the stars above. Don’t forget to remember me my love 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp_24KHvb0E&feature=fvwrel

Since Butch passed in 2008 there are some days where I feel like the rest of my life stretches out in front of me like a huge barren desert, lonely, unwelcoming, unforgiving and full of hidden dangers.  Other days I feel as if life is worth living, there is good to be found everywhere, the magic still exists and it's okay to be alive.
I admit there are less of the barren deserts now than there once was, but it doesn't make them any less scary.
The trouble with a grieving expedition is no one can go through it for you, no one can 'do it for you' and no amount of heartache will ever change the fact the person you love is gone. 
There are people out there who believe I should be over Butch's passing by now, I should be actively seeking to 'replace' him and get on with my life. I was told a year ago that by April I would be able to look at a photo of Butch and feel no heart wrenching loss.  I would look at it and think 'Yes, I knew him!'  Nothing could be further from the truth.  (In fact I have been testing that theory at least once a week since April and nup, still not happening!)  I don't expect it to either.  What we had was so special, I won't be surprised if I still feel this way as I take my last breath.  And you know what?  That's okay, because that's my choice and my journey.  I don't have to conform to anyone else's perception of how my grief should progress, I just have to be true to me.
I have found it difficult at times because most of the people I met haven't lost their partner, or knew what it was like to lose such an integral part of yourself.  They had much advice, but I found it hard to take them seriously when they hadn't experienced a loss like mine.  Lots of peple told me how great I was doing and how strong I was, but that was obviously their perception because I have been falling apart inside for what seems like forever. 
Don't get me wrong I have also met some wonderful people who knew how hard it was to pick up the pieces after Butch passed and they were an inspiration to me.  They shone a bright light into the dark tunnel that was my life and helped me move forward.  I hope you have had 'angels of light' on your grieving expedition and know how awe-inspiring they can be, with their encouragement and support.
Hope & Encouragement
Cherie