I was thinking about the way my heart used to jitterbug around in my chest as I drove home from work today. I realised that I haven't felt that kind of love-joy-excitement since he passed. I'm not meaning as far as attraction to the opposite sex, we have already established enough times in my blogs that isn't part of my agenda. I am talking in a general 'being a part of my life' kinda flutter....I just don't get that anymore.
When I think about the kind of movement I get from my heart these days, I sure don't see it as a joyous and pretty butterfly pulsating around in my chest....no, I see it more as a fat red fish that has fallen out of its bowl and is flopping around on the ground. It can breathe while its out of the bowl - its a special kind of fish, able to survive almost anything life throws at it! Every now and then it raises it's head ever so slightly, thinks to itself, 'Nup, nothing to see or feel around here..' and then it sags back to the ground.
The weird thing is that to look at me, or to hear me speak, no one would ever suspect. I am loud, a laugh-a-minute, compassionate, positive and happy-creating individual. No one seems to see whats really happening below the surface...well, I say no one, but there is the odd person who recognises it, mainly because they have it hidden within the layers of their being as well.
I wonder if I will ever get that butterfly back, or will the 'heart of me' just lie there, accepting life but not excelling at it.
Some days it feels as if each step is uphill and its difficult to remember a time when it wasn't that way.
I guess its that age old question....How do you mend a broken heart.....? ...and once we have that sussed....when....?
I'm not saying this is me continually, that I am sad, apathetic and just going through the motions. I am sometimes genuinely having a great time and laughing, but a part of me knows my red fish is still flopped on the floor and he's not really stirring, no matter how loud I laugh...
hugs Cherie xx