Three and a half years seems a lot of time to some people, who believe I should be looking for a new man in my life. I am totally sick and tired of hearing this line. When someone loses a mother or father, I don't wait a couple of years and say 'Well, it's about time you put an ad in the paper for a new parent. That would be cruel and heartless. So, why do people believe it's okay to instruct me in my life?
Another thing that really gets me irritated is when the fact that he isn't here anymore is overlooked. I know other people have other losses in their life and believe me, they have my sympathy, but I can't help but get annoyed when the belief is that they have got over theirs, so why haven't I?
I don't remember being given a handbook after Butch's funeral, instructing me about the new milestones in my life, that I would be over it by such and such a month, that Butch would become a non- person after this much time, that I should act as if he didn't exist at all or that I should forget the love we shared by this particular time frame.
I guess I get cranky with the expectations of others and to be honest, it just makes me dig my toes in deeper as I flick them the bird!
This week has been a tough week, I'm not sure why, it just has. As much as I've grown some inner strength muscles, there are times when everything feels futile without Butch, that I just don't want to struggle any more. I fell into my deep hole again and struggled to look up at the light in my life. Instead I lay face down, surveying the dark, gloomy bottom.
Usually I don't let anyone see the depth of my grief, this week my eyes have leaked independently, without any input from me. This always results in tears of anger at myself for allowing it to happen.
I don't believe in time limits or competition for grief, depth and severity. I believe grief is just what it is for each of us and we just have to cope in the best way we can.
My dark period has passed, for now, and I'm sure there'll be many more like it. I'm also sure I will surf the waves of my grief and eventually find a kind of happiness within my life...but there is no rush. I just need to be patient with myself and nurture the lost soul that exists deep within me, mourning for the loss of my soulmate. I encourage you to do the same, to be aware of what you're going through and to tread water when it's too hard, the waves will eventually subside....