From the day of Butch's funeral, I met women who were sure I was chasing their husbands, and husbands who felt I needed extra comfort. What a crock of shit! The last thing I wanted to do was be with anyone else. I was only interested in my loss. The fact that I'd lost my life partner recently didn't mean I was immediately in the market for another.
Losing someone is a bit like going through a divorce, suddenly you become a threat to other's relationships, even when you aren't interested. There were some who shunned me just in case I was on the prowl. I found this difficult to understand or cope with. I'd already lost Butch and then I lost my friendship support base....all because I was single. How does that work?
So when I met people, I talked about Butch as if he was alive, only rarely confiding the truth, when I felt it wouldn't affect their view of me, or our friendship.
What I shared with Butch can't easily be replaced and I'm simply not interested anyway. But it's been easier to keep quiet.
If you meet a psychic and they know you're a widow, you can expect to hear there is a tall dark man on the horizon.. As I'm a 'woman with attitude', I tend to tell them in no uncertain terms what I think about that.
I wear my wedding rings as protection, against guys who think I must be desperate enough to do anyone after a three year drought...or women who either want to protect their marriages or want to find me a soulmate, so I can be truly happy., because clearly I'm not in their eyes.
I'm quite happy as I am thanks. Sure I get lonely and I miss the beautiful magic of my marriage, but I miss them with Butch and I'm not prepared to settle for anything else.
Recently I went on a cruise and over the two weeks I began to admit I was a widow. Admit. Isn't that a funny way for me to put it? It's almost as if I failed somewhere along the way. If I was divorced, then both of us might have 'failed' to keep the relationship alive. But, as a sole survivor, I felt like a failure and I have yet to comprehend how or why that is. I would say it with an apologetic smile, as if it was all my fault and I should have tried harder .I admit there are times when I tell someone and they are genuinely upset for me, which would cause my eyes to well with unshed tears. I hate to cry in public, so I can't blame my 'widow word avoidance' solely on those I described earlier.
Its weird, when I went through a divorce from my first marriage, I was happy to shout it from the rooftops. I felt no shame, only empowerment. Society doesn't like to discuss grief, they don't know the right words to say, so it was easier to keep my status quiet, like a dirty secret.
I had an amazing experience while I was on the ship. I met two couples who took me under their wing. They invited me out with them, not as a gesture of sympathy, but because they didn't care I was on my own. It was truly liberating and I had such a great time being me, whether it was happy or sad, wacky or mad. They didn't make me feel like I was imposing and we had lots of fun, I will be forever grateful to them for proving to me it is possible to share space with other couples and not feel like an outsider.
About a week ago, I finally changed my status on Facebook to 'widowed'. What was I thinking? I was thinking that it was time I accepted who I am and stepped into my life, became one with it and lived my truth.
If you didn't notice, it's not a biggie. However, if you did and you decided to avoid me or throught of someone who I might be compatible with, then think again. I'm a widow....I'm not desperate and I don't want your husband or partner. I just want to be me and from now on that's exactly who I'm gonna be!
Cherie - Widow With Attitude!