Learning 2 Live Again - in spite of grief
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It's Not The Same, But It Is...

9/24/2014

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You may not know this, but I am a healer, an intuitive advisor and a psychic. Phew, that's quite a mouthful! I have been through enough 'stuff' in my life to know I want to help others as they go through 'their stuff'!
The other day I met a woman a bit older than me. What began as a question about how to start up a leaf blower, soon turned into a full blossomed conversation about how worried she was about her daughter, who had been staying with her for quite some time.
Mary (mother) was worried that Jeanne (daughter) was perpetually sad and seemed to lack energy. With a little gentle probing, she told me that Jeanne's partner had died last year of cancer. Mary couldn't understand why Jeanne wasn't simply 'getting over it'. (I must admit that this is one of my pet peeves when it comes to grief, that we are expected to get over it, like its a stubbed toe or a broken glass) Mary said she had 'gotten over' her divorce when her husband left her for a younger and prettier model. Given that she laboured over that topic for at least five minutes, with lots of huffing and puffing, as well as arm movements, methinks she hasn't really... ;-)
I told her there was no comparison. Besides the fact that grief of any kind is a unique and individual experience, Mary could still 'see' her ex husband. She could have a sense of closure. She could finalise any issues they might have had in their marriage, because he was still alive.
Mary changed tack then and told me that Jeanne and her partner had only been together two years and therefore it should be easy for her to 'get on with her life'. I asked her if she knew the depth of their love and commitment; if she knew how perfect their relationship might have been; if she had any idea of the plans and dreams they had had together. I also tod her that time is irrelevant. We don't need to know someone a lifetime to miss them or grieve for them. We can meet someone for the first time and the impact they made in our life can still mean we grieve. We cannot compare grief journeys, because we are all different. We all view the world differently and we all see it from our own perspective.
As we chatted, Mary was almost dismissive of her daughter's grief, and I couldn't help but mention that her daughter had lost a piece of herself when her partner died. A piece she will never get back or be a part of ever again. Jeanne will have to rediscover who she is and that will take time.
I suggested Jeanne come and talk to me, not as a counsellor or a healer, but as someone who understands, who has been to hell and is still on their way back. Mary looked at me, and in a brief second, I saw fear in her eyes. It was then I knew that not only would Jeanne never visit me, but she wouldn't even get the message. Mary needed Jeanne to be just as she was, because Mary was lonely and felt that she had no real purpose in life. Looking after Jeanne gave her that reason or purpose, and if she got better or began to 'live again', Jeanne might leave Mary with her own ghosts of the past.
Its sad when you see a pattern like this, when dependence or grief is trivialised, and yet, also encouraged to suit the needs of the other person. Mary probably isn't even aware she is doing this, just as Jeanne possibly doesn't realise she is letting it happen. Grief affects us all in many ways. We may think we have it under control or a handle on it, but it has many faces we don't often recognise.
Big hugs
Cherie ♥



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It's a Shame When It's a Sham

11/28/2013

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There are predators out there in the big bad world, who like to prey on those of us who are on a grief expedition. They know how desperate we are to 'connect' with our loved ones who have passed over. They know we would do anything to bring them back, so being able to hear what they have to say, even if it's through someone else, is priceless and immeasurable.
I know, because I have been there. I have been told by various psychics on many occasions what Butch has to say to me. Its funny how, for the most part, what he has to say coincides with the agenda of the person telling me. This can range from allowing them to usurp my power or feeling as if I had no choices, to wanting to extort money from me, all in the name of connecting me with my loved ones on the other side.
When I finally realised what was happening, I felt like such a fool. Hindsight can be such a bitch. As I look back, I can see that I fell for every hook they threw my way. I wanted to believe so much that I made things fit where they had absolutely no way of fitting. I thought I was the only one who had been hoodwinked. I was wrong.
I guess I felt it a little more keenly because I am a psychic. Unfortunately I can't 'do' a reading for me. I can't 'see' my spirit family in the same way I can see other people's, because I know too much about me and about them. There is no validation, because my skeptic says to me 'Hah! But you already knew thats what they looked like or what they would have said. They were a part of your life for so long!
However, when I read for someone else, its different. It's cut and dried. It fits or it doesn't. I have no idea who the person is or what the connection is. I love it when the reading resonates. I may not sugar coat it, but every word I pass on is given with love, respect and integrity.
Lately I have heard of others who have been through the same kind of experience I did in my early days. They too have been desperate enough to 'hear' what their loved ones have to say, that they have paid ludicrous amounts of money. They have been given negative, false and evil advice from their family in spirit. They have been told that unless they do, their loved one will cease to 'talk' to them. WTF?!
If we allow these people to get away with this sort of shit, we are no better than they are. I wonder if I had written a 'tell all' blog about my experience whether I could have saved other people from heartache. Maybe. Maybe not....
Our loved ones will never say bad stuff. They will not tell you negative and mean things. They don't need to. All that negative shit is a part of a human existence, not a spiritual one. All regrets, guilt, pain, suffering, anger, revenge, etc is gone. It dies with the physical form. From where they are its just love and they want us to know we are loved, that they will be there waiting for us when its time for us to 'go home'.
Before you spend copious amounts of money, ask yourself: 'Would my loved one want or expect me to pay this much to hear from them?' And if you think the answer is yes, ask yourself why it is that you believe that more money means that the psychic is more powerful or better able to connect. There are plenty of wonderful and amazing psychics out there, and they don't all need to empty your bank account to pass on messages of love and support from our loved ones.
And if you are told something bad, negative or evil, ask yourself: 'Would my loved one really say that?' ...and know the answer is 'NO!'
Take note of my experience and others. Trust your instincts. Watch out for Grief Vultures. ...and if you do fall for a smooth talking psychic, don't feel bad or sad. You won't be the first. You won't be the last...but hey, that could be the 'last' time you fell for it! Grief is a huge learning curve in so many many ways.
Be strong. Trust you. Show discernment. Remember that your loved ones are not interested in making or keeping you poor, sad, scared or unhappy in any way. They love you. More than you will ever know!
Big Hugs
Cherie xx

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Don't Let Others 'Taint Your Story'

11/4/2013

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I went for a job interview as a masseuse the other day. I am trying to wear my 'big girl pants' these days, so when she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself, I said. 'I'm 53, an author, a widow, and I've love massage and what it does for others....'
She cocked her head to one side and said to me, 'Sorry, could you repeat that?'
Now, although I am 'admitting' I am a widow, this part of my speech is said with such speed, you need supersonic hearing to be able to 'catch the words'.
I repeated everything, except the widow bit, and she said 'No, you said something else, what was it?'
I 'fessed up and told her the bit I had omitted. She gave me that 'look' that people do and said she was sorry. I tend to get flippant when people say things like that. I am a complex creature, I admit it! I don't want others to be sorry or feel sorry for me. My life is what it is. The judges decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into. ...and then I wonder sometimes if I would just consider others to be hard hearted bastards for not saying anything... It hasn't happened yet, so maybe that will be the subject of another blog...
Anyway, back to my 'interview'. The woman asked me a question. 'So what did you learn from his living, and his dying?'
May I say that these are so not the questions one expects in a job interview, and as a person still going through a grief expedition, not at all something I wanted to contemplate with a complete stranger.
Before long, she had me in tears. She knew which buttons to push, what direction to twist the knife that is my grief and how to make me feel as if I wasn't coping with my world at all. When I tried to stop the flow of tears, she told me I needed to 'sob'.
...as if I haven't...on countless occasions!
We were sitting in a coffee shop and there was no way I wanted to let this woman see how her harsh words were affecting me. I gathered my thoughts, pulled myself up tall, erected my protective wall and tried to get myself together again.
Recognising that she had crossed a line and that she wasn't going to get past that wall I had just put up between us, she said 'Well, thats enough counselling for you today. Now, lets talk about why you want to get a job here.'
There was really no point in going any further. There is no way I would work for someone who would want to find my Achilles heel, who would know just how to create pain within my world because she could.
She tried to create a connection by telling me that her son had passed away 8 years ago, but clearly the way I was going through or handling my grief was incorrect and she hadn't experienced it in the way I had. Read: I was wrong.
As I was leaving, she turned to me and said 'Well, no matter what happens, we were meant to meet today. I was meant to talk to you and you were meant to learn from me.'
And you know what, she was right. I was meant to learn from her, and I learnt this.
*A part of 'putting on my big girl panties' during my grief expedition does not entail telling anyone I am a widow, unless its relative.
*There will always be people who will try to tell me that my way of handling my grief is wrong or not right.
*I don't want to work for anyone who's main objective is to make me feel 'less than', so they can feel all powerful.
*Everyone has a story, but their story ain't my story and mine has no bearing on theirs.
*I still find it difficult to talk openly about my grief with others
*I am doing a great job being who I am and experiencing my grief in my own unique way.
Everyone has a story
Big hugs
Cherie xx

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Five is a Bitch

10/3/2013

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This year marks the fifth year since my best friend and husband passed away. In an earlier blog this year, I was celebrating that I had 'woken up', that I had started to get on with my life, or at least start taking those baby steps towards living, instead of merely existing.
I really thought I was starting to get a handle on this whole 'grief thing'. I thought I had it all under control. Sure, I still cried randomly, I still felt the big black cloud of sadness envelope me every now and then, but I was 'getting my shit together'.
I made some changes in my life, I had re-discovered some things I needed to make me feel happier than I had been in a long time. Yep, I sure had it all going on...no stopping me now... hah!
Butch's death-aversary was on the 21st September. The day prioor, I had spent a lot of time pondering on my grief expedition and how far I had come. I decided to thank my family and friends for their support and love, so I created a 'public thank you' on facebook. As I wrote, tears streamed down my face. I was staying with good friends, but me being me, I didn't want them to know I was upset, so I stayed in my room until it wasn't noticeable. I wonder if I will ever get pasty this issue I have, that I mustn't cry in front of anyone? (I used to cry in front of Butch, of course, but he knew me inside out and back the front, so my illogical reasoning tells me that's 'different'!)
For an hour or so, I held it together, I stayed upbeat, never letting on....and then the dam walls broke. I raced upstairs to my room, pretending to be busy doing something. I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I tried my usual tactic of telling myself off and saying I should harden up. I tried telling myself it was okay to be upset, but that didn't help either. Grief is so isolating. Even if others are travelling the same road as you, even if they are grieving for the same person, their grief isn't your grief, and putting it into words defies science and expectation.
As I have mentioned countless times, I hate being seen crying, so when my friend's husband asked if it was okay if he came into the room, I replied 'Only if you keep your eyes closed!' He did a huge backwards leap, which made me smile, because he had misconstrued what I had meant.
My friends were so supportive. They didn't say 'Hey, its been five years, stop being a blubber butt!' They just hugged and sat with me. It was definitely my lucky day when they came into my life.
I had decided to do something on Butch's 'versary, to try and step up and out, but also because I felt if I went home to my family, I would be expecting them to prop me up for yet another year. It was interesting to note that my daughter had also found this year incredibly difficult. We agreed we should have spent the time together after all. Gotta love hindsight. Its so helpful.
My birthday is 10 days after Butch's 'versary. I woke up with the black cloud floating above my bed. Every part of my day, every moment was harsher, sharper and more intense than it had been for some time. Tears flowed freely until I had to go to work. On the drive there, I distracted myself as best I could and gave me the pep talk to end all pep talks.
My face felt swollen, my eyes distended and I couldn't seem to connect with my brain at all. It was a long and emotional day. I was perpetually and totally exhausted.
I would be interested to know if the five year mark has significance for others as well. I know that for us, as a family, it has certainly been more intense.
I still wish my life was different, that Butch was still here with me, even though I know it can't happen. Is that so wrong of me? Or just plain silly...?
A part of me wonders if grief is not so much about who we lose, but what we lose as a result. I don't mean that quite how it appears. It just seems to me that, surely, now I know that my wish won't be granted, that I would just pick up and move onward. Instead I am still caught up in loss, sadness and emotional pain. It is as if the dark fog of grief lifts, but returns as a soft grey mist that still swirls and affects my vision of the future.
Hugs
Cher


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I'm inclined to travel downhill for a while...

1/20/2013

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My life has change dramatically since Butch passed away. I can honestly say some of it has been good, but predominantly, its been a hellish roller coaster ride of emotions and good/bad fortune. Most days I can cope and there are some days when it's all just too hard to bear. I get so tired of struggling, of trying to keep my head above the water, as the rest of me sinks like a stone. 
Financially the last four years have been a bit of a downward spiral. I have kept that to myself for the most part. Heaven forbid that anyone should even suspect I have money troubles. Chin up my girl! 
On an emotional level, I miss being a part of any couple, not just any couple, the partnership/love I once shared. There are some days that I miss him so much and the pain is so real that breathing is a struggle. The majority of the people around me never knew Butch, they have only heard my stories about our life together. Of course that's only the friends who don't feel uncomfortable about me mentioning that my husband has passed away...that's as taboo as talking about cancer! And then you don't want to bore friends by telling them over and over the same sort of stories...
 So nearly everyone I know, apart from my family have never known me as the happy carefree person I once was. They only know the person I am now - a mere shell of myself. They only know me as a widow...and some of the acquaintances I have don't even know that!
I am a fairly positive and optimistic person, and even when I'm not, I will wear my mask and 'fake it till I make it!' However there are days when I just want to turn to someone and say 'I miss Butch so much today it hurts to breathe.' But who do you say it to? No one really understands if they weren't there to experience the magic that was our relationship. You might think that I'm exaggerating, but it really was that great! 
So, most days I suck it up, put on my mask and wish I knew how to make it better. My customers and clients would never suspect that I'm sad or that I cried on the way to work today. I laugh, joke and make them feel special in all sorts of ways. I listen to their problems as well as their happy stories, because thats how I roll!
The other day I hit an all time low. I am so tired of struggling, of swimming upstream, of pushing a huge boulder uphill with a bamboo skewer. I didn't know how to fix where I was or how I felt, so I sent an email to a friend, telling her exactly how I felt, all the crap things that were affecting my life. I left nothing out. I didn't want her to fix it, I think I just needed to 'say' it, to express it, instead of holding it all together within the fragile shell I have wrapped around me and my grief.
I felt better for it. It doesn't change anything, but I don't feel like my stress and fear is consuming me anymore. Afterwards, I felt at peace and decisive. I have chosen the path of what I need to do next and I will see where that leads me. I can only hope there will be a downward slope for a while!
love and hugs
Cherie xx
(this pic was taken when we were para-sailing  Butch was rocking from side to side to 'see if we could make it fall out of the sky'! Other people on the boat had cutesy romantic shots, but this was our professional shot! I like ours better - what an awesome memory!)


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....they say that waking up is hard to do...

1/4/2013

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I 'woke up' the other day...I mean really woke up. It has only taken four years, six days and a couple of hours to get there, but here I am...awake!
I finished my book 'Grieving With Honour' several months ago, but no matter how much I talked myself into proofreading it or following up on what needed to be done, it lay untouched on the shelf gathering dust. I alternated between being upset and frustrated with myself and just plain angry. Nothing I could do or say would make me move over, pick it up and start looking it over. 
I now realise there was a chapter missing from it - the last chapter that will bring me to a better sense of closure..
It all started with a comment my daughter made the other day. I was telling her how lost and sad I felt, even though I was surrounded by those who loved me. I admitted that I was crying a lot, big sad sobs that sometimes threatened to engulf me. I spoke about huge tears that rolled down my face unbidden and how I thought I'd be feeling different about my grief by now. 
After telling me how far I'd come in the past four years, she turned to me and said 'It makes me feel helpless and sad, knowing I can't 'fix' you Mum.'
A couple of days later, as that thought was processed in the 'think mill' I have working around the clock, I came to the realisation that she was right. She couldn't 'fix' me. No one could...only I have the power to do that.
It was as if someone turned on the light and shook me awake. I woke up feeling different that day, as if I'd discovered the secret to my life, and I guess in a way I have.
I accepted a long time ago that Butch was never going to be here physically again. (I may not like it, but I can accept it) I accepted that my life will never be the same. I even accepted there is a definite chance I will never get over losing him, or being as free and joyful as I once was.....bu I never accepted 'My Grief'. Instead I tucked it away for moments when I was alone, for times when I could mourn in private, because that is how I deal with my sadness and pain.
I never accepted that it was truly okay for me to feel this way. I know I said I did, but there was a part of me that resisted for the past four years, two months and six days. I accepted it 'on behalf of others', as in I was going to do it my way and their opinion didn't matter. I accepted it in a physical, emotional and spiritual sense, but this tiny pocket of me, tucked behind everything else, in the far corner, at the very back hadn't agreed or accepted at all. 
I can't explain the difference it made, this 'wake up call' I received, except that I am now stepping up and assuming my mantle of responsibility. I have been avoiding being a 'part' of my life in lots of little sneaky ways, that no one can visibly identify. I didn't want this new, unimproved and extremely sad life I was stuck with and I just coasted through my day to day life, just going through the motions. 
My soul wept for the valuable time I was wasting. It cried that I wasn't honoring me and making the most of the time I have left here on this earthly plane. It sobbed when it knew I wasn't going to try and 'fix' this part of me and become whole again.....and that was when I had to sit up and take notice. I couldn't explain away the tears, I had to acknowledge what was behind them...
So now, its time for me to pick up the pieces, leave the prickly uncomfortable place that has been my comfort zone for the last four and a bit years and step out into the life I deserve. I'm not saying it will be easy, I just know I owe it to myself to not just be the best me I can be, but also to live the best life I can.
As much as my grief said I shouldn't be here without the love of my life, it isn't my truth and I have many things to accomplish before I join Butch on the etheric. I want him to be pleased and proud of me when we meet again.
..and you know what...? If there's even a chance I have to repeat my lesson of 'abandonment and grief' in the next life, I'd sooner have it done and dusted this time around, thanks.
love and hugs
Cherie xx



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Grief isn't logical

12/2/2012

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I provide a mobile Reiki service and had a client last Saturday afternoon. All morning I was either close to tears or was weeping. I couldn't explain why I felt so desolate or despairing. With Christmas approaching, I had been feeling sad, but this felt different.
It wasn't until I was on my way to my client's place I realised I might be picking up on her energy. Once I had acknowledged this, the dark cloud of grief lifted a little.
During the session, my client mentioned her best friend of over 50 years had recently passed away and she was struggling with accepting she was gone.
I said it was early days and she was expecting an awful lot of herself to be ready to accept her friends passing so soon.
She told me that in the weeks leading up to her friend's passing, she had visited her all the time. She had visited her in hospital during her last hours and even been to see her friend at the funeral directors the day before the funeral and couldn't understand why she still felt so devastated and lost without her.
'So, you tried to cheat yourself out of feeling grief or loss, but approaching your friend's death in a logical way?' I asked.
My client looked at me, surprised at the way I had defined what she had done and realised that was exactly what she had attempted to do.
I told her grief doesn't follow logic, it can't be reasoned with. It is an emotional state of being and we have to work through whatever feelings and pain we have as a result.
In a society where grief is a taboo subject, where we are expected to show we are coping well rather than showing how we truly feel, some of us try to escape the torture and suffering grief entails. Unfortunately there is no escape clause or get out of jail free card. There is only grief, acknowledging our loss and then acceptance. 
This all takes time, and for each of us its different. Acknowledging our loss and the pain of losing someone is honoring the relationship we had with this person and honoring the person left behind. 
Don't try to avoid or evade your grief. Wallow in it. Allow yourself to 'be' in it for as long as it takes.
love and respect
Cherie xx 
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Unfinished business - excerpt from 'Grieving with Honour'

7/14/2012

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04/08/11 - The other night I dreamt about Butch, I relived his gradual deterioration and passing once again. This isn't the first time I have had this dream, but this time it was slightly different. I had the opportunity to say all those things I wish I'd said before he lost the ability to answer. It was an incredibly sad dream and I felt like I was experiencing the whole grieving process again. When I awoke I was devastated. I would have been quite happy to just lay there and wallow in the awfulness of it all.
In this dream I remember telling him that losing him the first time was incredibly hard, that my world imploded and I could find no reason to carry on. He looked at me with such love as tears rolled down his face and I promised I would try harder this time.
Reality was a different scenario, I woke up so heavy with my sadness and grief I could barely function. The pain permeated my soul and I spent a fair amount of time 'washing out my eyes' from within.
All day I felt 'out of sorts'. I couldn't focus or feel. By the end of the day, I was relieved to go to bed and stop the perpetual
loop it felt like I was in.It is only now I can see the positive in this dream where, in the altered reality of my mind, I had the opportunity to say all those things I regretted I never had a chance to say to Butch. On reflection it was a more positive than negative experience, I just had to look past the sadness to see that.
When someone we love passes away, it doesn't seem to matter how much we talk beforehand or how much we understand and love each other, we can still feel as if some things have been left unsaid. The unfortunate thing is we can't just pick up a telephone, tell them and feel that sense of closure. For some, like me, it can mean the recurrence of an event through dreams until we can release the pent up emotion we have been clutching at. It was  easier for me to suppress my emotions, to beat myself up and as a consequence feel unnecessary guilt.
If I was to be realistic, I would say, in grief there is always something we hold on to that can prevent us from moving forward or moving on...but perhaps that is just my truth. I know I have a few more issues to work through yet. (my motto must be 'why hold onto one thing, when you can fit so much into two hands...?)
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Grief can be influenced by others

2/15/2012

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The other day we were talking about about the ripple effect certain events have on our lives. After Butch passed away my daughter went to visit a naturopath because she was getting unexplained stomach pains. The naturopath told her the reason she was getting them was because I was sharing my grief and grievance of Butch's passing with her and it was affecting her on a cellular level.
After she told me this, I decided to stop talking to her about my feelings of sadness, worry and guilt. On top of my unwarranted guilt about Butch's passing, I now felt guilty about the effect I was having on her health.
Three years later, we were talking about the impact that event had on us both. I described how alone and isolated I felt, not being able to share my innermost thoughts and feelings to my daughter. She had wondered wby I'd become quiet about my grief after that day. She'd noticed I wasn't forthcoming and assumed I hadn't wanted to talk about it any more.
I withdrew into myself, afraid to say anything that would impact on her health. As I'd lost most of my friendship base after Butch passed, there was really no one I could share the thoughts that were now rocketing around in my head. Calling my Mum or friends on the telephone wasn't a substitute for being able to pour out my emotions and fears in to someone who knew him as well as I did. As a result, I became seriously ill. I felt alone with my pain with no way to release it. My world became a dark dismal place. I stayed in that space for over a year.
When we discussed it, my daughter said she had also felt alone, as if she couldn't talk to me about what she was going through either. So, because of this comment, we'd both lost the opportunity to share our grief, to release our pain and to remain connected in a way that would have supported both of us.
When we lose someone we love and grief is a foreign country to us, we can be influenced by others beliefs and advice. It is important to filter what others have to say and decide whether they know what they are really talking about. After all, it doesn't matter who they are, they aren't you and they have no idea what you are going through or how your personal expedition into grief will unfold.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - Grieve in your way, in your time and in a way that suits you.
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I'm Not Desperate..

1/28/2012

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For three years I've been reluctant to say I'm a widow. When I mention that word, I either get the look that says 'Keep your hands off my husband/partner' or even worse, someone tries to 'fix me up' with a friend of a friend. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but we live in a society where you aren't deemed whole unless you're part of a couple.
From the day of Butch's funeral, I met women who were sure I was chasing their husbands, and husbands who felt I needed extra comfort. What a crock of shit! The last thing I wanted to do was be with anyone else. I was only interested in my loss.  The fact that I'd lost my life partner recently didn't mean I was immediately in the market for another.
Losing someone is a bit like going through a divorce, suddenly you become a threat to other's relationships, even when you aren't interested. There were some who shunned me just in case I was on the prowl. I found this difficult to understand or cope with. I'd already lost Butch and then I lost my friendship support base....all because I was single. How does that work?
So when I met people, I talked about Butch as if he was alive, only rarely confiding the truth, when I felt it wouldn't affect their view of me, or our friendship.
What I shared with Butch can't easily be replaced and I'm simply not interested anyway. But it's been easier to keep quiet.
If you meet a psychic and they know you're a widow, you can expect to hear there is a tall dark man on the horizon.. As I'm a 'woman with attitude', I tend to tell them in no uncertain terms what I think about that.
I wear my wedding rings as protection, against guys who think I must be desperate enough to do anyone after a three year drought...or women who either want to protect their marriages or want to find me a soulmate, so I can be truly happy., because clearly I'm not in their eyes.
I'm quite happy as I am thanks. Sure I get lonely and I miss the beautiful magic of my marriage, but I miss them with Butch and I'm not prepared to settle for anything else.
Recently I went on a cruise and over the two weeks I began to admit I was a widow. Admit. Isn't that a funny way for me to put it? It's almost as if I failed somewhere along the way. If I was divorced, then both of us might have 'failed' to keep the relationship alive. But, as a sole survivor, I felt like a failure and I have yet to comprehend how or why that is. I would say it with an apologetic smile, as if it was all my fault and I should have tried harder .I admit there are times when I tell someone and they are genuinely upset for me, which would cause my eyes to well with unshed tears. I hate to cry in public, so I can't blame my 'widow word avoidance' solely on those I described earlier.
Its weird, when I went through a divorce from my first marriage, I was happy to shout it from the rooftops. I felt no shame, only empowerment. Society doesn't like to discuss grief, they don't know the right words to say, so it was easier to keep my status quiet, like a dirty secret.
I had an amazing experience while I was on the ship. I met two couples who took me under their wing. They invited me out with them, not as a gesture of sympathy, but because they didn't care I was on my own. It was truly liberating and I had such a great time being me, whether it was happy or sad, wacky or mad. They didn't make me feel like I was imposing and we had lots of fun, I will be forever grateful to them for proving to me it is possible to share space with other couples and not feel like an outsider.
About a week ago, I finally changed my status on Facebook to 'widowed'. What was I thinking? I was thinking that it was time I accepted who I am and stepped into my life, became one with it and lived my truth.
If you didn't notice, it's not a biggie. However, if you did and you decided to avoid me or throught of someone who I might be compatible with, then think again. I'm a widow....I'm not desperate and I don't want your husband or partner. I just want to be me and from now on that's exactly who I'm gonna be!
Cherie - Widow With Attitude!
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