Okay, so I have had some interesting conversations in the past 24 hours and I feel it is time to set a few things straight. I am not depressed, suicidal or sad and pathetic. What I write in this blog comes from my heart and it is my truth. Sure that may make a few people feel uncomfortable, but I am sure there are just as many people thinking 'Thats how I feel, but I just can't voice it!' Grief is like a four letter word, noone wants to discuss it, well not really. When we 'grievers' talk about how lost and isolated we feel, a lot of people would rather change the subject, or tell us to 'Get over it' I am 'getting over it', but it will be at my pace and in my own time.
When I write on my blog, I am opening my heart so others can relate, not so you feel sorry for me or heaven forbid, suggest I should take medication. Sure I'm not the happiest person in the world, but I do have happy moments within my life. They generally have nothing to do with grief though (although I will share a funny story with you one day soon). If I created a grieving site and spent the whole time telling you how wonderful and stunning my life is, what would that achieve, besides improve my lying skills?
Actually, when I write this I don't think about those I know and love reading this. Instead I imagine a lot of strangers who can identify with my pain because they are carrying a lot of their own.
I am against pretending everything is great when it clearly isn't. This would just help me to repress my emotions and create dis-ease within my body - been there done that!
If I was to identify myself at all it would be 'What you see is what you get'....except when it comes to sharing my grief face to face. I find it difficult to say things like 'Gee, I miss Butch so much I can barely breathe today' or 'I keep wondering what I could have done to change what happened'. Part of the reason why I can't do this is because I know I would cry as I said it and to actually let someone see me cry would be some kind of illegal action in my code of rules. That would show my vulnerability, so instead I crack a joke about something insignificant so they are distracted and I can pull my grief cape tight around my shoulders again. Other reasons include not wanting to make others feel my angst, stopping others from feeling uncomfortable or making them feel guilty for being so happy in their lives. That would never be my intention. And of course there are the people who are impatientwith the length of time I am taking to get over my grief.......after all it has been two years already - the prescribed length of time. I know their advice is mostly given with love, but it doesn't hurt any less when they tell me its time I found someone to fill the hole Butch has left.
So all I have left to say is...If you feel I am sad, pathetic, depressed or in need of help, then you aren't living in the same space I am 'existing' in, and you know what, thats okay. I promise not to judge where you are right now in your life, if you will do the same for me.....
When I write on my blog, I am opening my heart so others can relate, not so you feel sorry for me or heaven forbid, suggest I should take medication. Sure I'm not the happiest person in the world, but I do have happy moments within my life. They generally have nothing to do with grief though (although I will share a funny story with you one day soon). If I created a grieving site and spent the whole time telling you how wonderful and stunning my life is, what would that achieve, besides improve my lying skills?
Actually, when I write this I don't think about those I know and love reading this. Instead I imagine a lot of strangers who can identify with my pain because they are carrying a lot of their own.
I am against pretending everything is great when it clearly isn't. This would just help me to repress my emotions and create dis-ease within my body - been there done that!
If I was to identify myself at all it would be 'What you see is what you get'....except when it comes to sharing my grief face to face. I find it difficult to say things like 'Gee, I miss Butch so much I can barely breathe today' or 'I keep wondering what I could have done to change what happened'. Part of the reason why I can't do this is because I know I would cry as I said it and to actually let someone see me cry would be some kind of illegal action in my code of rules. That would show my vulnerability, so instead I crack a joke about something insignificant so they are distracted and I can pull my grief cape tight around my shoulders again. Other reasons include not wanting to make others feel my angst, stopping others from feeling uncomfortable or making them feel guilty for being so happy in their lives. That would never be my intention. And of course there are the people who are impatientwith the length of time I am taking to get over my grief.......after all it has been two years already - the prescribed length of time. I know their advice is mostly given with love, but it doesn't hurt any less when they tell me its time I found someone to fill the hole Butch has left.
So all I have left to say is...If you feel I am sad, pathetic, depressed or in need of help, then you aren't living in the same space I am 'existing' in, and you know what, thats okay. I promise not to judge where you are right now in your life, if you will do the same for me.....
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