Learning 2 Live Again - in spite of grief
Join me on Facebook
  • Home
  • My Blog
  • My Other Website Links
  • Contact

Like a Fish Outta Water

5/16/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
My heart used to flutter every time I saw Butch. It didn't matter whether it was across a crowded room or over the tea table, my heart would skip a beat. Even after 25 years, he knew how to make my heart jump around. He could make me smile in a way no one else ever could.
I was thinking about the way my heart used to jitterbug around in my chest as I drove home from work today. I realised that I haven't felt that kind of love-joy-excitement since he passed. I'm not meaning as far as attraction to the opposite sex, we have already established enough times in my blogs that isn't part of my agenda. I am talking in a general 'being a part of my life' kinda flutter....I just don't get that anymore.
When I think about the kind of movement I get from my heart these days, I sure don't see it as a joyous and pretty butterfly pulsating around in my chest....no, I see it more as a fat red fish that has fallen out of its bowl and is flopping around on the ground. It can breathe while its out of the bowl - its a special kind of fish, able to survive almost anything life throws at it! Every now and then it raises it's head ever so slightly, thinks to itself, 'Nup, nothing to see or feel around here..' and then it sags back to the ground.
The weird thing is that to look at me, or to hear me speak, no one would ever suspect. I am loud, a laugh-a-minute, compassionate, positive and happy-creating individual. No one seems to see whats really happening below the surface...well, I say no one, but there is the odd person who recognises it, mainly because they have it hidden within the layers of their being as well.
I wonder if I will ever get that butterfly back, or will the 'heart of me' just lie there, accepting life but not excelling at it.
Some days it feels as if each step is uphill and its difficult to remember a time when it wasn't that way.
I guess its that age old question....How do you mend a broken heart.....? ...and once we have that sussed....when....?
I'm not saying this is me continually, that I am sad, apathetic and just going through the motions. I am sometimes genuinely having a great time and laughing, but a part of me knows my red fish is still flopped on the floor and he's not really stirring, no matter how loud I laugh...
hugs Cherie xx


0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Cherie's Blog

    Grief affects all of us at some stage, no one can escape from it, but by sharing we can help each other through it.

    Archives

    September 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011

    Categories

    All
    Book
    Christmas
    Dreams
    Grief
    Grief Expectation
    Grief Expectation
    Grief Expedition
    Grief Expedition
    Grieving With Honour
    Grieving With Honour
    Guilt
    Judgement
    Life
    Loss
    Love
    Lovegrief
    Messages
    Moving On
    Moving On
    Picking Up The Pieces
    Picking Up The Pieces
    Sadness
    Self Empowerment
    Self Empowerment
    Self-empowerment
    Time

    RSS Feed


Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.