I had an interesting experience a while ago. I was looking at purchasing a computer desk and rang up about an advert I had seen online. Actually I had known about this computer desk for a month, but for some reason, I just never seemed to find the time to make the call. I had told enough people about it, that I was reminded almost on a daily basis about making the call...and yet I didn't actually call.
After about three weeks, I thought I'd just call on the off-chance that they hadn't already sold it. There was no reply and I thought to myself, 'Well, okay, I'll just forget about it.'
An hour later, the owner called me and we set up a time for me to come and view this awesome desk and see if it suited my purpose.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to view the desk. The man who opened the door asked me a little about myself and I mentioned that I was an author. He asked what kind of books I wrote and I mentioned that they were related to my husbands passing just over five years ago. He looked me in the eye and said 'I see there is still a lot of pain and grief in your eyes. You must miss him a lot.'
I replied that yes, I did and that I didn't want to discuss it any further. (I don't usually mention Butch's passing to strangers, because it stirs up emotions I would rather keep hidden). He stroked my arm and said that I shouldn't hold my emotions in, that it was okay to be sad or upset.
I said something flippant, because I am, after all, 'the mistress of flippant'. I made a joke and we went to look at the desk. During the conversation, he kept referring to my 'pain', 'loss' and 'feelings'. I tried to ignore it and make bad jokes or serious conversation about the desk. However, he was like a dog with a bone, he just would not let it go. I don't know how it happened, but somehow, while I wasn't looking, my force field developed a hole and my eyes welled up.
He threw his arms around me and told me it was okay to let it all out. I was backed up against the wall, and there wasn't much room to move as he snuggled against my hair.
It was strange, as if I wasn't there physically at all. I remember standing there with my arms at my side looking over his shoulder thinking 'How the 'fell' did I get into this situation?' Of course it was only a few milliseconds, but it felt a lot longer. I pushed him away, telling him I wasn't comfortable with his advances and to 'step away'.
As I made my way out the door, he told me he had only wanted me to feel 'connected', that he sensed an alone-ness and emptiness in my energy. Could it be he should have 'sensed' that was actually my walls clanging into place and the crocodiles swimming around the moat instead?
I was a bit shell-shocked as I drove off - I decided I didn't need a desk after all. I was a bit weepy to begin with, but the more I think about this incident, the angrier I get.
I am so pissed that guys assume that just because I lost my husband 5+ years ago, I will bounce into bed with anyone, that clearly, the minute Butch passed away, I lost my sense of taste, intelligence and judgement. I hate that others feel they can break down my barriers and then get the benefit of copping a feel or trying to snatch a snog. I put those barriers up for a purpose, for a specific reason...and I happen to like the security and safety they offer me. I am not interested. Do I need to put it any plainer? Don't bother trying to soften me up by forcing me to get in touch with my feelings, just so you can get your rocks off...while helping the 'sad' widow woman!
I am happy with my life the way it is right now thanks, and quite frankly, if I wasn't, you would so not be the first person to know!
When I'm ready, I will be ready and not before...and certainly not just cos someone else thinks I should be!
Hmmmm....still a little angry...
I learnt a few things that day:
1. I'm still not ready to move on
2. I am still choosy about who with and when I will jump into bed
3. That I need to not be so open about what I do or who I am around the opposite sex
4. Some men are 'dogs' around vulnerable women
5. I can learn the lesson and see the humour in it, even if I don't like
Big hugs, Cherie xx
After about three weeks, I thought I'd just call on the off-chance that they hadn't already sold it. There was no reply and I thought to myself, 'Well, okay, I'll just forget about it.'
An hour later, the owner called me and we set up a time for me to come and view this awesome desk and see if it suited my purpose.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to view the desk. The man who opened the door asked me a little about myself and I mentioned that I was an author. He asked what kind of books I wrote and I mentioned that they were related to my husbands passing just over five years ago. He looked me in the eye and said 'I see there is still a lot of pain and grief in your eyes. You must miss him a lot.'
I replied that yes, I did and that I didn't want to discuss it any further. (I don't usually mention Butch's passing to strangers, because it stirs up emotions I would rather keep hidden). He stroked my arm and said that I shouldn't hold my emotions in, that it was okay to be sad or upset.
I said something flippant, because I am, after all, 'the mistress of flippant'. I made a joke and we went to look at the desk. During the conversation, he kept referring to my 'pain', 'loss' and 'feelings'. I tried to ignore it and make bad jokes or serious conversation about the desk. However, he was like a dog with a bone, he just would not let it go. I don't know how it happened, but somehow, while I wasn't looking, my force field developed a hole and my eyes welled up.
He threw his arms around me and told me it was okay to let it all out. I was backed up against the wall, and there wasn't much room to move as he snuggled against my hair.
It was strange, as if I wasn't there physically at all. I remember standing there with my arms at my side looking over his shoulder thinking 'How the 'fell' did I get into this situation?' Of course it was only a few milliseconds, but it felt a lot longer. I pushed him away, telling him I wasn't comfortable with his advances and to 'step away'.
As I made my way out the door, he told me he had only wanted me to feel 'connected', that he sensed an alone-ness and emptiness in my energy. Could it be he should have 'sensed' that was actually my walls clanging into place and the crocodiles swimming around the moat instead?
I was a bit shell-shocked as I drove off - I decided I didn't need a desk after all. I was a bit weepy to begin with, but the more I think about this incident, the angrier I get.
I am so pissed that guys assume that just because I lost my husband 5+ years ago, I will bounce into bed with anyone, that clearly, the minute Butch passed away, I lost my sense of taste, intelligence and judgement. I hate that others feel they can break down my barriers and then get the benefit of copping a feel or trying to snatch a snog. I put those barriers up for a purpose, for a specific reason...and I happen to like the security and safety they offer me. I am not interested. Do I need to put it any plainer? Don't bother trying to soften me up by forcing me to get in touch with my feelings, just so you can get your rocks off...while helping the 'sad' widow woman!
I am happy with my life the way it is right now thanks, and quite frankly, if I wasn't, you would so not be the first person to know!
When I'm ready, I will be ready and not before...and certainly not just cos someone else thinks I should be!
Hmmmm....still a little angry...
I learnt a few things that day:
1. I'm still not ready to move on
2. I am still choosy about who with and when I will jump into bed
3. That I need to not be so open about what I do or who I am around the opposite sex
4. Some men are 'dogs' around vulnerable women
5. I can learn the lesson and see the humour in it, even if I don't like
Big hugs, Cherie xx
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