My life has changed in so many ways during the last three years, going from being a happily married person to a widow, lost and alone in a strange world filled woth sadness and dark empty spaces.
As time goes past and less of the people I associate with know the special person that was Butch, it feels like he may have been a figment of my imagination - a happy dream, with a not so happy ending.
There have been times I have found it hard to carry on, where I have lost the will to live, but I'm still here, sometimes despite my best efforts...
There have also been times when I have managed to find joy in my life, feel like I was moving onward and upward, that I am surrounded by many who love and support me. I am forever grateful to those around me who allow me to be sad, who accept that is who I am at times.
I still miss Butch so much. I continually ache for the love and laughter we shared. I still look with envy at those couples who are fortunate enough to be strolling hand in hand. I feel cheated out of my happy ending, but hey, what can you do?.
I have learned to come to terms with the fact that life may not get better, it is simply different and I'm just gonna have to get used to it. If there's one thing I have learned, its that stamping my feet won't change anything - damn it all.....and yes, I tried that many times.
As I have emerged from my cave, ever so slowly, there have been many challenges I have had to overcome. There have also been many times I have challenged myself, forcing myself to do things or go into situations I would rather not. I am a pretty hard task mistress when it comes to myself.
On Tuesday I am doing a 'booktalk' about the power of positive thinking. They gave me four dates to choose from, but I chose this day because I wanted to see how strong I am. Sometimes I think it was a cruel thing to do to myself and other times I believe it is an empowering thing to do. It will be a fitting tribute to an amazingly strong and wonderful man. Maybe, just maybe, it will also be a celebration of my courage and determination...